I am responsible for my own happiness

That's my revelation.

Not much of a revelation I know but that's what dawned on me just now. I know better but I haven't been DOING better and shame on me. I've come to realize how easy it it to by in to different sterotypes when you don't have any close friends to combat those sterotypes. Case and point Asain men. I don't know when it happened but somehow, some where I bought into the BS that America (read: Hollywood) was feeding me about them. That they are all Jet Lee or Jackie Chan, goofy, nerdy, never get the girl types when that's just not true. In fact I used to act on this and even call them by such in an attempt to be friendly when in fact I was just being down right insulting. Why it never dawned on me that I was feeding in to this I don't know but I'm glad that it has. Asain men and Black women get the worst rep when it comes to the media and here I am not helping at all. I feel bad. But that's not the only thing that I've realized. I realized that even tho I cut me hair to embrace the way that God made me. I have not been doing that at all. I'm still harbouring feelings such as wanting to marry someone inter-racialy not because I love then but just so I can give my baby good hair. Sigh I'm just starting the whole cycle over again. If my son heard me say that what would ge think? That he has "bad" hair and is somehow unworthy? That's not what I mean to say but that's the point that I would be sending across. But, I don't know. To be honest, I feel cursed like God hates me or something(note: this is just how I feel. I am by no means saying that he does.) I don't know, he made me black, and I FEEL like black people are among the worst talked about,put down, and objetified people in the world. And not only did he made me black he made me a woman. Which I think sucks. Women bare what seems to be ALL the pain in the world. We are beaten, raped, stolen, we are in pain every month, We have to go throgh the pain of carring the child and then the pain of child birth, and then most of us raise the child, cook for the whole family, wash the laundray, and iron the clothes. And, all the man does is work for 8 hours a day and gets to come home and sit on his ass, or sleep. In the meantime we have a 24/365 job that never ends. Sigh, so yeah..........
Anyway I kinda got of topic. What I meant to say is find someone that makes you happy reagardless or skin colour or hair. That stuff is waaaay less important and your marriage will last longer. Don't get with someone from another race just because someone said so. Because in the end you will be the one unhappy not them.

While I was away...

I discovered that my husband has had a girlfriend since I went into labour up untill I found out about it in Dec. when I was on the verge of taking him back so that my son has his father in his life and I believed that he could change and he was saying that he wanted to convert for me. I had a brake-down after finding this out. They sent him back home from Afganistan for trying to kill himself after all of his lies came to light and no one wanted anything to do with him. I've moved on to base. I've cut my hair to go natural (ie. stop putting chemicals in my hair to straighten it). I've stopped observing hijab although I refuse to wear a LOT of the clothes that I wore before I wore hijab as I find them waaaaay to immodest for my tased(funny huh?) LOL. I don't wear any tight shirts, no shirts showing any kind of cleaveage, no sleeveless shirts ( I still prefer long sleeves), and I still cover up my legs. Ummm let's see. I've fallen in love with a guy who is love with someone else. I've decied not to get married again....EVER. I let my friend whose husband beat her move in with me along with her kid. My car broke down. My bike broke , my kid and I are sick. I've done soul serching, I'm reconnecting with old friends, and InshaAllah I will be able to explain everything in full later. But, everytime I say that it doesn't happen. LOL. Peace Chan.

Oh and I lost a follower.Tears.

Religon

I hate labels. I had an arguement with this friend about this very thing. I was talking with my friend about this guy who is Muslim going to church. I said just because you're muslim doesn't bar you from going to chruch. I told her that I would marry a muslim guy that went to chruch. She was like "Why?" You can't be Muslim and go to chruch. To me this statement is completely stupid. Why can't you go to chruch and still be Muslim. Whenever I go home to visit my parents I attend a Christain church just to listen to the messege being presented. It's not like I pray to Jesus or something. Anyways, the conversation turned to a Christain friend that I have who doesn't believe that Jesus is God. And she said oh then she's not Christain. And I'm like who are you to define what someone is? I personaly know a lot of Christains who do not believe that Jesus is God. And further more a lot of Muslims would say that I'm not Muslim because I don't practice Sunna or believe in Hadith. When I pray and say my declaration of faith, I do not say "I bear witness that Muhammad is the Messenger of Allah" as I believe that this is incorrect and invalidates my prayer. To a lot of Muslims this is incorrect, and they would say that I am not Muslim. My friend believes the same thing. I pointed this out to her. The vast majority of Muslims would say that we are not muslim because we don't do these things. The same with Christainity the vase majority of Christains believe that Jesus is God; however, there are some Christains that think this belief is wrong and don't follow that way of thinking and define themselfs as Christain simply to say that they are followers of Jesus and his messege. But in any rate who are we to define what someone is or is not? Why do people always have to fit in to a little box, or be in a category? That kind of closed minded thing sets me on edge, and I will blow up on anyone who has the nerve to tell anyone the way they define themselves is wrong. Anyways, that's my piece. Peace Chan.

Bad Muslimah

So up untill very resently I have been a very bad muslimah. Actually up untill now I guess I've been a muslimah only by name if at all. I had not been observing the daily prayers and didn't even know how to recite the Fatiha. It wasn't untill I met the friends that I currently have that I knew that this means I was not really Muslim because Salah is the seperation between belief and non belief. And Alhamdulillah{Praise G-D} I'm on the right track again. But it feels like I'm on the slippery steep side of a very big hill no end in sight. But anywas I am now learning what it really is to be a muslim and I have much to learn. Insha Allah{G-D willing} I will learn it all, or as much as I can with the time that G-D{Allah} has given me. Send me advice. PEACE, CHAN.

I am disheartned

My morale is low. I'm feeling down and out. I feel lonely. I really wish that I had someone {even a friend to just wrap their arms around me and tell me that it's all going to be okay. That's all I want is that asking to much? I am currently going through a faith slump and trying my hardest not to fall out of Islam. Please make dua{Pray} for me that I pull my self out of this hole that I have crawled in Insha Allah{God willing}. I have a question. When you first converted did it take a while before you felt any connection in prayer? When I pray it kind of feels like movements. Maybe it's cause I'm just learning and I don't really know what I'm saying so it just kind of feels like I'm giving lip service. And it's really hard to concentrate on just my prayer. A billion things flutter through my mind as soon as I make my intention and it's hard to push them out of the way and just focus. Any advice would be lovely. But even if you don't comment please remember me in your prayers.

P.S. Not that you wanted to know this but I think my period is starting soon and I may just be insanely imbalanced for the moment on top of everything else.