I am responsible for my own happiness

That's my revelation.

Not much of a revelation I know but that's what dawned on me just now. I know better but I haven't been DOING better and shame on me. I've come to realize how easy it it to by in to different sterotypes when you don't have any close friends to combat those sterotypes. Case and point Asain men. I don't know when it happened but somehow, some where I bought into the BS that America (read: Hollywood) was feeding me about them. That they are all Jet Lee or Jackie Chan, goofy, nerdy, never get the girl types when that's just not true. In fact I used to act on this and even call them by such in an attempt to be friendly when in fact I was just being down right insulting. Why it never dawned on me that I was feeding in to this I don't know but I'm glad that it has. Asain men and Black women get the worst rep when it comes to the media and here I am not helping at all. I feel bad. But that's not the only thing that I've realized. I realized that even tho I cut me hair to embrace the way that God made me. I have not been doing that at all. I'm still harbouring feelings such as wanting to marry someone inter-racialy not because I love then but just so I can give my baby good hair. Sigh I'm just starting the whole cycle over again. If my son heard me say that what would ge think? That he has "bad" hair and is somehow unworthy? That's not what I mean to say but that's the point that I would be sending across. But, I don't know. To be honest, I feel cursed like God hates me or something(note: this is just how I feel. I am by no means saying that he does.) I don't know, he made me black, and I FEEL like black people are among the worst talked about,put down, and objetified people in the world. And not only did he made me black he made me a woman. Which I think sucks. Women bare what seems to be ALL the pain in the world. We are beaten, raped, stolen, we are in pain every month, We have to go throgh the pain of carring the child and then the pain of child birth, and then most of us raise the child, cook for the whole family, wash the laundray, and iron the clothes. And, all the man does is work for 8 hours a day and gets to come home and sit on his ass, or sleep. In the meantime we have a 24/365 job that never ends. Sigh, so yeah..........
Anyway I kinda got of topic. What I meant to say is find someone that makes you happy reagardless or skin colour or hair. That stuff is waaaay less important and your marriage will last longer. Don't get with someone from another race just because someone said so. Because in the end you will be the one unhappy not them.

While I was away...

I discovered that my husband has had a girlfriend since I went into labour up untill I found out about it in Dec. when I was on the verge of taking him back so that my son has his father in his life and I believed that he could change and he was saying that he wanted to convert for me. I had a brake-down after finding this out. They sent him back home from Afganistan for trying to kill himself after all of his lies came to light and no one wanted anything to do with him. I've moved on to base. I've cut my hair to go natural (ie. stop putting chemicals in my hair to straighten it). I've stopped observing hijab although I refuse to wear a LOT of the clothes that I wore before I wore hijab as I find them waaaaay to immodest for my tased(funny huh?) LOL. I don't wear any tight shirts, no shirts showing any kind of cleaveage, no sleeveless shirts ( I still prefer long sleeves), and I still cover up my legs. Ummm let's see. I've fallen in love with a guy who is love with someone else. I've decied not to get married again....EVER. I let my friend whose husband beat her move in with me along with her kid. My car broke down. My bike broke , my kid and I are sick. I've done soul serching, I'm reconnecting with old friends, and InshaAllah I will be able to explain everything in full later. But, everytime I say that it doesn't happen. LOL. Peace Chan.

Oh and I lost a follower.Tears.

Religon

I hate labels. I had an arguement with this friend about this very thing. I was talking with my friend about this guy who is Muslim going to church. I said just because you're muslim doesn't bar you from going to chruch. I told her that I would marry a muslim guy that went to chruch. She was like "Why?" You can't be Muslim and go to chruch. To me this statement is completely stupid. Why can't you go to chruch and still be Muslim. Whenever I go home to visit my parents I attend a Christain church just to listen to the messege being presented. It's not like I pray to Jesus or something. Anyways, the conversation turned to a Christain friend that I have who doesn't believe that Jesus is God. And she said oh then she's not Christain. And I'm like who are you to define what someone is? I personaly know a lot of Christains who do not believe that Jesus is God. And further more a lot of Muslims would say that I'm not Muslim because I don't practice Sunna or believe in Hadith. When I pray and say my declaration of faith, I do not say "I bear witness that Muhammad is the Messenger of Allah" as I believe that this is incorrect and invalidates my prayer. To a lot of Muslims this is incorrect, and they would say that I am not Muslim. My friend believes the same thing. I pointed this out to her. The vast majority of Muslims would say that we are not muslim because we don't do these things. The same with Christainity the vase majority of Christains believe that Jesus is God; however, there are some Christains that think this belief is wrong and don't follow that way of thinking and define themselfs as Christain simply to say that they are followers of Jesus and his messege. But in any rate who are we to define what someone is or is not? Why do people always have to fit in to a little box, or be in a category? That kind of closed minded thing sets me on edge, and I will blow up on anyone who has the nerve to tell anyone the way they define themselves is wrong. Anyways, that's my piece. Peace Chan.

Bad Muslimah

So up untill very resently I have been a very bad muslimah. Actually up untill now I guess I've been a muslimah only by name if at all. I had not been observing the daily prayers and didn't even know how to recite the Fatiha. It wasn't untill I met the friends that I currently have that I knew that this means I was not really Muslim because Salah is the seperation between belief and non belief. And Alhamdulillah{Praise G-D} I'm on the right track again. But it feels like I'm on the slippery steep side of a very big hill no end in sight. But anywas I am now learning what it really is to be a muslim and I have much to learn. Insha Allah{G-D willing} I will learn it all, or as much as I can with the time that G-D{Allah} has given me. Send me advice. PEACE, CHAN.

I am disheartned

My morale is low. I'm feeling down and out. I feel lonely. I really wish that I had someone {even a friend to just wrap their arms around me and tell me that it's all going to be okay. That's all I want is that asking to much? I am currently going through a faith slump and trying my hardest not to fall out of Islam. Please make dua{Pray} for me that I pull my self out of this hole that I have crawled in Insha Allah{God willing}. I have a question. When you first converted did it take a while before you felt any connection in prayer? When I pray it kind of feels like movements. Maybe it's cause I'm just learning and I don't really know what I'm saying so it just kind of feels like I'm giving lip service. And it's really hard to concentrate on just my prayer. A billion things flutter through my mind as soon as I make my intention and it's hard to push them out of the way and just focus. Any advice would be lovely. But even if you don't comment please remember me in your prayers.

P.S. Not that you wanted to know this but I think my period is starting soon and I may just be insanely imbalanced for the moment on top of everything else.

Welcome

BTW I have new peeps that dig me!!! You're not alone anymore Janny!!!!

Salams!

Hello all,

Well today was the first day of my fast and I didn't do so well. I had 1 peice of candy without thinking and it invalided the whole day of fasting :( But inshallah I'll make it up. I'm actually quite happy about fasting, but it's only the first day so we'll see what happens.lol I did how ever make it through one full day of no tv, and inshallah it will remain off untill next month, or I get my period which ever happens sooner. lol. Things I did while I was away hummmmmm......well I've been off since Wensday, and I'm preparing for work tom now..I mean, I was before I got sidetracked. ANYWAYS I made dinner and breakfast for some friends this weekend. And it felt awsome to be able to cook for someone{it's usually just me and Ry so I don't bother, as a matter of fact I usually forget to eat my self} I made what I have to say was THE most awsome brakefast I've ever made in my life, when every one went away full and unable to finish their plates it made me unbelieveably happy.{I come from a family where not being able to finish is compliments to the chef} I also made a necklace over to my friend's place who makes necklaces for a living, and I love it.

NOW,
What is it with Marines? It seems like every single one of them cheats on their wife. And this has NOTHING to do with my STBEH{soon to be ex husband}. I was at work the other day and this male that I work with was practicly bragging about all the cheating that he had/was going to do on his wife who mind you has a 2 month old son. What's up with that? He was talking about a school he was going to where excuse me but quote "Some bitch is gonna suck my dick:" EXCUSE ME??? Really? You're wife is alone in another state and THIS is what you're thinking about? Now I KNOW that ALL Marines aren't like this BUT a majority are. How do I know this? Am I being unfair? NO, I know this because I work with them, I go to ranges with them, I work out with them, and I used to hang out with them. Till I converted seriously I used to be just one of the boys and I used to listen to what they said all the time. This is how I KNOW some of them are not like that. They value being with just one girl and not sleeping around. But this is also how I KNOW that a lot of them are. I hate being around these people just like I hate watching TV and seeing ppl cheating it breaks my heart. It's like it's cool or something. It's cool to cheat and break ppls hearts just so they can be a trophy on you're wall you laugh and tell you're boys/girls about. That's right ladies to it too. This is part of the reason I say I don't believe in love any more. Ya'll hold on I'm about to get deep. I believe in love, I want to love, I want to be loved, and I want a happy family just as much or more than anyone else. But I'm afraid that that will never happen because of situations like these and the society that we live in were it's okay, and even expected to cheat. I honestly don't think I can take another heart break, I can't go crazy because I need to be here to raise my son. So for the time being I'm gonna remain single, at least for the rest of the up coming year. Now this is not to say that I'm going to shoot down any potentials, I'm not. But, any man who I really deserve to be with will understand that I need time to get my self together, time to recollect and present to the world the me that I need to me. I mean I understand that getting married is half the deen, but I feel like I need to work on the other half first. Ththththththat's all folks!!!

Sorry

I have been neglecting you. I've been on here every day, but I'm dishearted and I just go ehh. I'll just write something tomorrow. Well, tommorrow has come and gone, and I still feel disheartend but alas the show must go on. I have figured out that I will be alone forever. There is no one out there for me and I have completely given up on love and marriage. There I said it. Now that you know we can move on with our lives. With that said I have been avoiding all of my married friends, because they all seem so happy. Instead, I've been opting to spend more time with my single friends because.....well frankly misery loves company. But, I figure it's time to come out of my funk. Even if I don't think I will ever be re-married because I'm damaged goods, it's too much work being depressed. lol. So instead I figure if I have to work at something I might as well work at being a better person. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm gonna pull my self up by the boot straps, and get my self together. After Christmas I'm going to go on a fast during which I'm not going to watch any tv and spend no more than an hour on the computer after work. I'm also going to read the quran everyday and pray every single prayer on time and not listen to any music. Well I'll post an update later, about what was going on when I wasn't posting. I just wanted to get that out of my system.

The Alarm Game

see more Lolcats and funny pictures
Does anyone else play the alarm game in the morning? I do. I purposely set my alarm
3O mins early and always in up actually getting up 3O mins late. If you're too lazy to do the math, that's an entire hour. An hour of turning off and resetting the alarm just so I can sleep for "5 more minutes." I do this EVERY morning that I have to get up and go to work. Any one else do this? Or am I just super lazy?

I went to the gym today and busted my face in front of every one running stairs. I knew I was in trouble the sec the instructor told us what we were doing that day. I thought to my self "This is going to end badly" and sure enough it did. Now I have a knot on my head and a gash on my leg, not to mention my very badly brusied ego.

Last thought. Why is it that when ever I go to a suicide prevention class, it makes me want to commit suicide.{jk} They remind you of every thing wrong in your life basicly. "Your life sucks, and by the way don't kill your self." I'm just sayin. If it were me I would at least try and make the class more up lifting and foucus on more positive things, if you know, I was actually trying to PREVENT suicide.

No more Spongebob!

I was watching Sponge Bob like I do every morning before I head out to work, and it was then that I decided the sponge must go. They were running around saying "All hail the magic conch". Now, this is the thing. I have no issuse with Spongebob; HOWEVER my son is learning to speak and 1. I don't want him saying all hail anything except God and 2. This sentence will most likely be mispronounced and will sound more to the tune of "All hail the magic..." Well you know. And as we all know kids have a way of saying the most inappropriate things at EXACTLY the wrong time. It would be just my luck if we were at the Masjid, and he started saying this. In a room full of women no less. I would just die. So so long Mr. Squarepants it's been real, But I refuse to have my son's first words be anything to that tune.

I have enabled....

MOBILE BLOGGING!!!!!! Prepare for the onslaught.