I am responsible for my own happiness

That's my revelation.

Not much of a revelation I know but that's what dawned on me just now. I know better but I haven't been DOING better and shame on me. I've come to realize how easy it it to by in to different sterotypes when you don't have any close friends to combat those sterotypes. Case and point Asain men. I don't know when it happened but somehow, some where I bought into the BS that America (read: Hollywood) was feeding me about them. That they are all Jet Lee or Jackie Chan, goofy, nerdy, never get the girl types when that's just not true. In fact I used to act on this and even call them by such in an attempt to be friendly when in fact I was just being down right insulting. Why it never dawned on me that I was feeding in to this I don't know but I'm glad that it has. Asain men and Black women get the worst rep when it comes to the media and here I am not helping at all. I feel bad. But that's not the only thing that I've realized. I realized that even tho I cut me hair to embrace the way that God made me. I have not been doing that at all. I'm still harbouring feelings such as wanting to marry someone inter-racialy not because I love then but just so I can give my baby good hair. Sigh I'm just starting the whole cycle over again. If my son heard me say that what would ge think? That he has "bad" hair and is somehow unworthy? That's not what I mean to say but that's the point that I would be sending across. But, I don't know. To be honest, I feel cursed like God hates me or something(note: this is just how I feel. I am by no means saying that he does.) I don't know, he made me black, and I FEEL like black people are among the worst talked about,put down, and objetified people in the world. And not only did he made me black he made me a woman. Which I think sucks. Women bare what seems to be ALL the pain in the world. We are beaten, raped, stolen, we are in pain every month, We have to go throgh the pain of carring the child and then the pain of child birth, and then most of us raise the child, cook for the whole family, wash the laundray, and iron the clothes. And, all the man does is work for 8 hours a day and gets to come home and sit on his ass, or sleep. In the meantime we have a 24/365 job that never ends. Sigh, so yeah..........
Anyway I kinda got of topic. What I meant to say is find someone that makes you happy reagardless or skin colour or hair. That stuff is waaaay less important and your marriage will last longer. Don't get with someone from another race just because someone said so. Because in the end you will be the one unhappy not them.

Salams!

Hello all,

Well today was the first day of my fast and I didn't do so well. I had 1 peice of candy without thinking and it invalided the whole day of fasting :( But inshallah I'll make it up. I'm actually quite happy about fasting, but it's only the first day so we'll see what happens.lol I did how ever make it through one full day of no tv, and inshallah it will remain off untill next month, or I get my period which ever happens sooner. lol. Things I did while I was away hummmmmm......well I've been off since Wensday, and I'm preparing for work tom now..I mean, I was before I got sidetracked. ANYWAYS I made dinner and breakfast for some friends this weekend. And it felt awsome to be able to cook for someone{it's usually just me and Ry so I don't bother, as a matter of fact I usually forget to eat my self} I made what I have to say was THE most awsome brakefast I've ever made in my life, when every one went away full and unable to finish their plates it made me unbelieveably happy.{I come from a family where not being able to finish is compliments to the chef} I also made a necklace over to my friend's place who makes necklaces for a living, and I love it.

NOW,
What is it with Marines? It seems like every single one of them cheats on their wife. And this has NOTHING to do with my STBEH{soon to be ex husband}. I was at work the other day and this male that I work with was practicly bragging about all the cheating that he had/was going to do on his wife who mind you has a 2 month old son. What's up with that? He was talking about a school he was going to where excuse me but quote "Some bitch is gonna suck my dick:" EXCUSE ME??? Really? You're wife is alone in another state and THIS is what you're thinking about? Now I KNOW that ALL Marines aren't like this BUT a majority are. How do I know this? Am I being unfair? NO, I know this because I work with them, I go to ranges with them, I work out with them, and I used to hang out with them. Till I converted seriously I used to be just one of the boys and I used to listen to what they said all the time. This is how I KNOW some of them are not like that. They value being with just one girl and not sleeping around. But this is also how I KNOW that a lot of them are. I hate being around these people just like I hate watching TV and seeing ppl cheating it breaks my heart. It's like it's cool or something. It's cool to cheat and break ppls hearts just so they can be a trophy on you're wall you laugh and tell you're boys/girls about. That's right ladies to it too. This is part of the reason I say I don't believe in love any more. Ya'll hold on I'm about to get deep. I believe in love, I want to love, I want to be loved, and I want a happy family just as much or more than anyone else. But I'm afraid that that will never happen because of situations like these and the society that we live in were it's okay, and even expected to cheat. I honestly don't think I can take another heart break, I can't go crazy because I need to be here to raise my son. So for the time being I'm gonna remain single, at least for the rest of the up coming year. Now this is not to say that I'm going to shoot down any potentials, I'm not. But, any man who I really deserve to be with will understand that I need time to get my self together, time to recollect and present to the world the me that I need to me. I mean I understand that getting married is half the deen, but I feel like I need to work on the other half first. Ththththththat's all folks!!!