Random thoughts before bed

I had a really good post. My computer ate it. This is my attempt to remember what I wrote. I can be quite dittzy some times. I drove ALL the way to Wal-Mart, shopped, and got in line and it was only then that I realized that I had forgotten my card. I knew this was to good to be true the moment I pulled in and got a great spot in the front row. And sure enough it was. SO I had to drive ALL the way back to my house and all the way back to Wally World. Ironicly though the song that was playing said EXACTLY what I thought about it as soon as my radio came on. "I'm infected by the sound" and "Stop this beat is killing me" I changed the station looking for something more soulful, but every song just seemed empty so I just zoned out into think mode. I realized I am somewhat of a competetive driver. This probably contributed to the excessive speeding ticket that I have. Anywho, I get back to WW hoping beyond all reason that the sales lady I asked to hold my bags had actually held my bags so I wouldn't have to reshop. She didn't, I did. And wouldn't you know it they had ran out of the wax that I had the first time. GRRR.

I have decided that Dwane has struck OUT with me for the last and final time and I will proceed to purge my self of him AGAIN .

I have ran across a letter that I wrote to my soon to be Ex-Husband. Personally I think this was to good for him and I should have left his sorry patoose long ago, but I could just be being and angry Black women. This letter was written BEFORE he sent naked pictures to his "best friend" because his slightly hormonal wife who had given birth to HIS child a month ago said something to make him mad.{He had been asking for pics of her in bikini before hand and telling her every little thing I did to make him upset.[she seriously thought I was a bitch. I know cause I talked to her after I found all this] and telling her he didn't care that he was married} BEFORE I found out he was Net sexing random girls WHILE I was preggo, and BEFORE I found out he was trying to get with some Sgt while I was preggo. STILL I tried to forgive him for the sake of OUR child { the one who's birth he wasn't here for, so my mom had to stay here and take care of me for 3 weeks, while he was out drinking and clubbing in Houston} among other things. So screw you guys that think I'm just getting divorced for some trend, or I'm too lazy to put in the work, or that I'm doing it to have sex with other guys. I'm doing it quite bluntly because I'm sick of his shit. And lately I've been so much happier without him. I'm getting back to the me that I used to be. And I like it. Anyways here it is for your viewing pleasure. And since the letter is quite lenghty I will end with it. Nighty night ya'll.

"B, I've been thinking a lot about the situation and I'm sorry that you feel the way you do about it. What I'm trying to get you to see is that what you said to her. The thing that is upsetting me is that you did something that you promised me you would not do. Had you told me that you had wrote her just to say hi and then I saw them then it wouldn't have been a big deal at all. I would've still had been uncomfortable with you talking to her but I wouldn't have been hurt by it. The fact that you didn't tell me about it and that when I asked you about it you said that you didn't feel the need to explain what you did and why you did it, are the things that are eating me up inside. What you don't understand is that you DO have to explain things like this to me. Even if you feel that it needs no explanation. We are equals in this marriage and if you do something that you promise me you would not do, then I deserve an explanation. I feel like you were wrong to talk to her despite what was said, especially since this is my third time asking you not too and your third time promising me that you wouldn't. A promise is a promise no matter how small you think that it is. When you break these promises to me, I start to feel that you do not respect me and you're going to do what ever you're going to do regardless of my feelings about the situation. The thing is, is that you cannot ask the same of me if you do not plan to live up to it your self. If you really had a valid reason for asking me not to talk to P then as hard as it would be, I wouldn't talk to her. But, maybe you can explain to me why she is so important that you would continue to go behind my back and seek her out to talk to her. And you need to know that I did trust you and because of that trust I had started to be less jealous of innocent flirting between you and you're friends because I know it means nothing, and it obviously was not hidden from me in anyway, and they are not people with whom you promised me that you would have no contact with. You have to understand that you are not your self  you are we now, and you cannot do things just because you want to do them anymore or you place the we aspect of your life in jeopardy. When you married me we became one soul and both gave up all rights to privacy that we had before (or at least I did.) I have no expected privacy from you, and you can look into anything of mine without asking me first, and I thought that I could expect the same thing of you. I always try to give you space to be you, but I don't feel like there should be any kind of privacy within a marriage, plenty of space to be your own person yes, but privacy no. I don't do anything that I wouldn't tell you about anyway. And I'm sorry if you feel that I'm trying to control you because I never meant for it to seem like that. But when you do things like that you do need to check and see if it's okay first just like I always try and do with you, and if I forget to tell you before I do it then I always try and tell you after. Even if it doesn't seem like a big deal, I tell you so you won't have to find out a different way. We've been through that before and I would like not to ever have to go through that again. But like I said before, you are not you and I'm not we. When I said I do I gave my self, my life and, my love to you so that we could control them together and I had thought the same of you. But it seems like while I gave you this power over my life you had no intentions of giving me the same over yours. Maybe when I married you I didn't make it clear that a merging of two souls in to one is what I expected and not a joining of two individual lives, to keep being led the way either one of us pleased to live them. I'm sorry that I didn't make my self clear then, but let me make myself clear now. I expect to share in on your joy and your sorrow, your happiness and grief, your smiles and tears, the good and the bad, and through anything that causes you pain. Your love is my love, Your hate is my hate, your joy is my joy, your pain is my pain, when you smile I smile and when you cry I cry. And I expect no less for you. I expect to be loved and honored, to be your number one priority, and to have my wellbeing placed above your own. And I expect for you to expect no less from me. In my mind there was to be no such thing as not telling me how you're feeling or doing, you are an extension of me and how can I not be concerned for my own well being? If it's bothering you it's bothering me, even with out my knowing about it. I love you Bert, I love you know and I will love you always. Thank you for giving me this time to think because I really did need it. When I calmed down, I see that I still want to be with you and I still want you in my life, just like I always knew I did, I can't see myself without you in my life, because you are my everything and I don't know what I would do without you. But if you can't understand, what I said then I don't know how to work things out and make them better, because this is what I expect in a marriage this is what I had in mind when I said I do. So I want to give you the choice of what we'll do and before I do I want to tell you that I'll always love you no matter what it is that you choose to do. I also want to say that I'm sorry that you feel like it's your fault when ever we get into an argument, because I admit that I've had more than my fair share in starting them, and for that I apologize I was wrong. But this is the choice I give you and what ever you decide I won't make a big deal about because by not making my self clear before we got married, I feel like I deceived you and I want a chance to make it up to you now, so we can get rid of all the confusion. If you feel like you can try and do the things I asked of you then I want for you to be with me, stay with me, let me love you in the only way that I know how, let me be there for you and let me be there for you. But if you stay you will respect me, you will honor, me you will make me your priority, and you will put my wellbeing above you own. And you will expect no less from me. You won't have any privacy, but I will give you as much space and trust as I can to be your own person, and you will not betray my trust. And you will do the same for me. We will control OUR lives together, both yours and mine, which means Sometimes you will do things you don't like and sometimes I will, and if either of us ever come to a point where we absolutely feel strongly about something we will compromise. You will be able to look into anything of mine as you please, because what's mine is your's, and I will be able to look into anything of yours as I please because what's yours is mine. And there is nothing that we cannot share. But if you feel that I am asking too much of you I offer you the choice to be free of this. I offer you the choice to be free of me. You will have all the privacy and control over your life as you like, and I will not interfere with the way that you live your life, because it will be yours to live. And with what ever you choose know that R is your child too and you can see her and be with her as much as you wish because I would never keep her from you, just because of your answer. You are a good father and I have no fear that you would do anything other than give her not only what she needs, but the best of everything. But you have time to think it over, don't give me your answer till you're sure that's what you want, because once you decide I expect you to live with that choice. "